Stand
by ChasingRainbows90
Summary: Set around the episode of Blood Money when Jac was 'late'.
1. Feel Like A Candle in a Hurricane

**Based around the episode Blood Money but kind of changes how the episode played out. This fic probably will retcon a little bit of Jac's history (although not too much or at least hopefully not to a level which isn't believable). This isn't the sort of sequel to Just Give Me A Reason. Hopefully this is ok :) Reviews are always appreciated. **

"Do you need me to paint you a picture?" She asked, striding in to her office wanting desperately to get away from him. She hadn't even wanted to tell him that she late, fearing that it would lead to this 'need' for some sort of conversation between the pair of them. As she settled herself down in her desk chair, she heard him slam the door shut behind him and she watched as he came to stand by her side.

"So have you done a test?" He asked, a slight note of panic in his voice. She twisted her chair so that she was facing him, and she was slightly taken aback by the wild panic flickering in his eyes. She should have known that he wouldn't be mature enough to deal with this. She should have just kept it to herself.

"No" She answered harshly. She didn't need him prying in to her business. Her eyes travelled for a second down to her office draw, the one containing the pregnancy test. She'd stuffed it in there, unsure whether she'd be brave enough to actually take it or whether she'd just wait it out.

"Well why not?" He responded, trying not to let the emotion he was feeling creep in to his words. He didn't want to push her too far, if he did he'd probably never find out what was going on. He ran a hand through his hair "Surely it's better that we know so we can deal with it"

"Deal with it?" She retorted, her eyebrows rising on her head, her eyes flashing wildly at him. She tried to regain control of herself but she could feel her guard slipping. She hated feeling like her emotions were out of control but she couldn't seem to reign them in. He knew he'd said the wrong thing and his panic levels increased, "You mean find out early so it can be sorted earlier" she added, putting words in to his mouth.

"No" he answered. His brain was still trying to process the idea of potential fatherhood, and he knew that he couldn't really be trusted to make any sense. He couldn't imagine himself as a father, or at least not for a number of years so perhaps on some sort of subconscious level that was what he'd meant but he couldn't be sure. Everything just seemed like a jumbled mess.

"Get out Jonny" Her voice was cold but strangely calm. To the casual observer it may have seemed like the anger had drained out of her leaving her cool and collected but he knew different. He knew this was the most dangerous form her anger took, the quiet sad anger.

"We need to talk Jac" He tried to sound calmer than he felt but he knew it was in vain. She twisted her chair so that she was no longer facing him, her eyes trained on the door almost as if she were trying to move him there telepathically. He knew that the conversation for now was over and with his head bent low he walked towards the door. "We'll have to talk eventually" was the last thing he said before walking back out on to the ward.

* * *

Mo noticed the change in Jonny immediately. She knew the majority of their colleagues probably wouldn't be able to tell but she'd worked with Jonny for so long now that even the most subtle of changes resonated with her. It was strange though, normally she could read exactly what was wrong with him but this time she couldn't quite get a read on him.

Mo ended up cornering him in the staff room. She settled herself on the table while he made coffees.

"So spill" She said, watching the slight shake to his hands as he tried to pour the water. She tried to remember the last time she'd seen him acting this way but her mind couldn't quite fix on the memory. She was certain it wasn't the first time, he'd acted in this manner.

"It's nothing" he told her, turning to look at his friend. He knew it was futile to lie to her but he couldn't help but try. Mo raised an eyebrow, not even bothering to respond to him and he knew he'd been caught. He sighed as he seated himself on one of the chairs. "Ok so it's Jac"

"I should have known" Mo responded softly. She wasn't entirely sure what to make of her friend's relationship with the consultant. On the one hand he really did seem to like her but on the other, Mo was certain that Jac would end up hurting him. She didn't really seem to be the type of woman destined for a long term loving relationship, "So what's up with the ice maiden?"

"She has stuff is all" Jonny answered, swallowing a little bit too hard. In all fairness, it was his stuff too but he couldn't seem to bring himself to acknowledge that. He saw the look of curiousity dance on Mo's face, she always had loved a good bit of gossip. "And no I'm not telling you what stuff"

"Spoil sport" Mo gave him a small laugh. It was like a little game between them, him dangling the carrot of information and then not going any further. But usually he gave in, unless it was anything really serious. He shook his head at her, the sign that he wasn't playing and a modicum of concern settled over her. It had to be something relatively big but she'd couldn't imagine that it would be anything truly juicy unless .. "Oh my she's having your love child" Jonny swallowed hard, his face giving the game away.

"I" he froze unsure of how to even continue with this conversation when it didn't even make sense in his own head. "I don't even know for certain"

"She's not done a test?" Mo asked, feeling a little unsure herself. She couldn't imagine Jonny as a dad. Yes she believed he'd be quite good in the role but she didn't think he was ready. So much of him was still very childlike.

"No, it doesn't seem high on her list of priorities" he sounded a little bit bitter. There was a part of him that needed to know. He couldn't bare the huge question mark that was dangling over his future causing his heart rate to rise and his panic levels to increase, "I mean Jac's all about her career and it's not like she'd want to be a mum"

"But she's not getting any younger Jonny" Mo reasoned, though she was inclined to agree with Jonny. She couldn't imagine Jac pregnant or toting around a screaming infant. In fact it was hard to imagine Jac as anything other than the hard cold hearted consultant striding around the ward in scrubs.

"If she is" he swallowed hard again "pregnant, and she wants to keep it, where's that going to leave me Mo? I'm not sure I'm ready to be a dad" He spoke quickly, his words tumbling further. Mo frowned, she hated seeing Jonny like this. He looked like a scared little boy.

"Oh Jonny" she whispered.


	2. Like A Picture

**Thank you to wiggles247 for reviewing :) and thank you to everyone who is reading this :) **

The prospect of being in to theatre with Jonny filled Jac with a sense of terror. Right now she didn't want to be anywhere near him but with Elliot and Hanssen having taken her surgery, so had been left with no choice though she could easily have throttled Mo.

Standing in her scrubs, she wished she could be anywhere other than in that theatre. It was a slight relief to her that Jonny equally seemed to be uncomfortable, though he also seemed determined to breath down her neck. Watching Mo work, Jac felt a slight twinge of nausea and forcing herself to breathe deeply she turned away from the surgery to watch on the monitor. Thinking back, she'd barely eaten today and now she was paying for it.

But Jac couldn't help herself in disagreeing with Mo's decision. As much as she wanted out of that theatre, she couldn't help but put in her argument for the removal of the lung. In her eyes it was in the best interest of the patients whereas Mo was being guided by the emotional side of transplant. And then Jonny had gotten involved, and Jac had felt her cool slipping. He couldn't resist the lording it over her, that it was he and Mo who had been elected as the team making her feel even more of an outsider. She couldn't help but argue against him, the debate with Mo becoming less of a priority.

"I don't care what's going on between you two today" Mo has stated eventually, drawing Jac away from the argument and firmly fixing her in the present. She turned to Mo, fixating on her expression, the slightly knowing look in her eyes and the way she glanced almost apologetically at Jonny. Jac turned to him, her anger returning in full force.

"What does she mean" Jac spoke slowly and deliberately, drawing out her words. Jonny recoiled a little bit from her. He shrugged a little glancing towards Mo before turning back to Jac. He had known this way a bad idea, the two of them stuck together in such close quarters. He should have known it would end badly.

"Look I don't care if you're pregnant with Elvis' seed" Mo said, pausing in her work on the patient. Jac's eyes flashed angrily and Mo knew instantly that she'd made a terrible mistake but she wasn't having this in her theatre, not when it was one of her patients on the line.

"You told her?!" Jac bit at Jonny and he shook his head and shrugged a little.

* * *

Once the surgery was over, and Elliot had overridden her on the phone, Jac slipped away as quickly as she could. She wanted to change out of her scrubs without the company of Mo, who no doubt wouldn't have been far behind her.

Stepping back on to the ward, she tried to force herself back in to a state of relative calm. Something not helped by the prospect of seeing the mad horsewoman, though she had her doubts that the woman would stick around.

The first person she caught sight of though was Jonny, huddled away in the little office room. His head was ducked, almost as if he didn't want to be seen. She felt the anger rise inside of her and she couldn't help but walk in that direction and to fling the open the door and allow it to slam shut behind her as she stepped inside.

"You told her?" She snapped again at him, watching as he spun the chair round to face her. He hadn't answered her this last time, but this time he'd have no choice. She could see in his eyes that he knew he was trapped.

"She's my best friend and besides she read my mind" he told her, watching as she rolled her eyes in disbelief. "Look she could tell something was up and we've worked together for so long that she just knew" he added and he watched as she tried to make sense of it. He wondered for a second if she'd ever had a connection like that with another human, someone who knew her so intimately. Based on her reaction, he guessed probably not.

"She's your boss Jonny" Jac stated "and she doesn't need to know when your girlfriends possible pregnant. Besides don't you think I deserve some privacy in this?" She asked, feeling a little of her anger drain away from her. Jonny sighed a little, seeing her point a little bit more clearly.

"But you've been giving me the perma-frost all day, why can't you just act normal for once? Just do the test" He replied, trying to keep his tone calm and well-reasoned. She twisted her lips together in thought, her mind wandering back to the test that lay in her desk draw.

"I will" She answered finally "later" before she stepped towards the door, wanting a bit of quiet and privacy.

"You do realise you said girlfriend" She told her retreating back. In response she flicked her middle finger back at him over her shoulder causing him to laugh a little.

* * *

Settling back in her office chair, Jac pulled open the desk draw. She reached down and allowed her finger to trace the edges of the box. She knew it was stupid putting it off, all she had to do was pee on a stick and wait a couple of minutes. Any idiot was capable of doing that and yet something was stopping her. She couldn't bring herself to pull the box out of the draw and to slip from the office and walk to the ladies.

Withdrawing her hand from the draw, she allowed it to come to rest against her abdomen. For a moment she allowed herself to wonder about whether nestled deep within her a new little being was forming. It was a strange and slightly unnerving thought but at the same time it brought a slight smile to her lips, the idea that there could potentially be a little tiny bud waiting to grow in to a baby. But there was also a sense of sadness that tore the smile from her. She pulled her hand away from her abdomen, and tried to push away the slight sense of hope. She turned her attention to her computer and tried to find anything to take her mind off her 'late'.


	3. With a Broken Frame

**Thank you to anyone reading this - and for any reviews left. **

He couldn't wait any longer. It had been three hours since Jonny had talked to Jac in the sister's office and she'd been pretty much MIA since. He'd hoped it was because she'd disappeared of somewhere to do the test in private but there was a large part of him that thought, that was too much to hope for and it was more likely that she was either hidden or had done a runner somewhere.

He didn't bother knocking on her office door. He just walked straight in and allowed the door to click shut behind him. She turned to look at him, her eyes showing the strain of having stared at the computer screen for a couple of hours without a break. She'd tried to reason with herself that it was research but she knew it was just a distraction technique – and not a particularly effective one.

"So have you done it" He came to a halt by her side and watched as she twisted the chair in his direction. She sighed, and shook her head watching as the look of annoyance flickered over his face. She placed her hands on her lap and tried to look up at him, confidently though she felt anything but.

"There isn't any point Jonny" she told him, giving him a small sad smile. A look of relief washed over him and it tore at her heart a little. She wished he'd been able to mask it that little bit better but she noted the look of relief lasted only a few seconds before he straightened up.

"You mean you" he did some sort of strange gesture that would probably have been more appropriate for some high school kid rather than a trained nurse. If it had been any other situation, it would probably have brought a smile to her lips or even made her laugh a little but not today.

"Well no but" she whispered in response, not quite able to meet his eyes. She didn't want to be having this conversation. He grumbled a little and in spite of herself her eyes darted upwards to look at his face. He was back to annoyed again.

"Well then how do you know that this late isn't a?" He spoke quietly, his panic once again rising. He watched as she raised an eyebrow.

"Pregnancy? You can say the word Jonny" She responded, it hurt her that he couldn't even say it. She wanted him to acknowledge what it could have been. It broke her a little, his reaction. She'd known deep down that he probably wouldn't have been ready but the little part of her that had dared to dream had hoped that his reaction would have been more mature.

"Pregnancy" He spoke the word like it was something to be feared, like a child talking of the monster that it believed lived beneath its bed or which hid in the wardrobe waiting until the dead of night to appear.

"Because it can't be Jonny" she said finally. The words soft, barely audible. She frowned a little, it was the first time she'd ever acknowledged it out loud and it hurt her more than she'd expected. He blinked rapidly, unsure of what on earth was happening. This morning there was a late and now she was denying the possibility. His eyes darted around the room, coming to rest on the unopened box in the draw. It seemed strange in that moment that she'd brought a test if she was denying.

"I don't understand Jac" He spoke equally quietly, unable to move his eyes from the unopened test. It seemed alien to him. "Why tell me there's a late, if there's no possibility of it being a pregnancy? Why would you not just say this earlier?" The questions tumbled forth as he stared at the box. The word pregnancy seemed to move in front of his eyes, teasing and tormenting him. He saw a flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye, and he heard what was possibly a sob though he couldn't tear his eyes away to look at her.

"You want to know the truth?" She asked, her voice low. She wasn't sure why she suddenly felt the compulsion to tell him, the acknowledgment had left her feeling raw and she wasn't sure how much else she could handle but a part of her needed to talk. He tore his eyes away from the box and looked at her. Her face was pale and drained. A sadness and hurt in her eyes.

"I'm listening" He said softly walking away for a moment to pull the desk chair away from the other desk so that he could sit close to her. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to draw strength from somewhere deep within. It had been a long time since she'd opened up to someone.


	4. Alone and Helpless

**I know this does sort of alter Jac's history a little - but then again she is still something of a mystery :D (or at least that's my reasoning). Thank you to anyone reading this, and for reviews I really do appreciate them. **

"There's something wrong with me" After what seemed like a lifetime she spoke. She'd never spoken her fears out loud and so the words felt alien to her. She'd felt it for a long time, the belief that there was something not quite right with her body though she'd never gone any further with it. She'd never really seen the point; as long as she could keep on top of it there was no point opening herself up to the potential gossip that would result from hospital appointments.

"I don't really know what but I know there's something" she added, turning away from him for a second to gaze out of the window. Outside everything seemed to be carrying on as normal and yet in here time seemed to be passing by slowly as if they'd been sucked in to some strange time warp. She turned back and looked at him, his face was open and she could see that he cared for her.

"I've been here before" she gazed down at the box in the draw, remembering the tests she'd purchased previously. How the idea of a positive result had terrified her, how it come to terrify her for a different reason than the idea of being mother.

"Not always in the same situation but I've been late before and I've ended up buying the test and found myself peeing on a plastic stick and waiting for what seems like an eternity for a result" it was strange how time seemed to slow to a crawl when you were waiting on something like that, your life briefly paused as you wait to discover your future; to find out if in nine months they'll be a little person placed in your arms with your identity shifting to mum.

"I've had positive tests in the past" she thought back, allowing her mind to wander, remembering how she'd felt at seeing the lines appear confirming her fate. She could remember the vague feelings of terror at the idea of being pregnant but there'd also been a small part of her that had wonder what it would be like to have a little person who would love her unconditionally, though she'd feared her own ability to love that child back in the same way.

"But it's never lasted" she sighed sadly, thinking back once again. These were memories that she'd tried to push away, to keep locked in the portion of her mind reserved for the worst of her memories.

"Every little life lost in the same way" she tried not to think of those babies, of the children that they could have been. She'd never known if she'd had sons or daughters, if they would have had her red hair or if they'd had been like their fathers. These were little lives lost before they even had a chance to draw breathe, little lives who'd barely developed in to something recognisably human.

"So I don't want to do the test Jonny" She whispered, drawing her eyes from the box to look back up at his face. She didn't want to see the result, she knew it would hurt either way. If it was negative, then she'd have to accept there never was a life within her. If it was positive, then she'd feel the slight budding of hope within her, hope which she'd try to crush knowing that the baby wouldn't stick.

"Either way it'll end the same" She spoke quietly. Regardless of the test result, the end result would be blood. At least this way, she could pretend to be ignorant.

"and if it doesn't" he spoke finally, his voice quiet and shaking. He was trying to control his own emotions, trying to imagine Jac over the years taking these tests and then losing her child. He could almost see her in his mind's eye, standing alone trying to cope with the pain. Without her telling him, he knew she'd always been alone, always dealt with it by herself.

"I can't have hope Jonny" she whispered and he took hold of her hand in his.


	5. Like You've Lost Your Fight

**Sorry for my rubbish-ness at updating this, but thank you to anyone reading and for reviews. Again this part does retcon Jac and Holby storylines a bit :)**

She'd had hope before. But hope was never enough, hope wasn't enough to keep the baby securely in her uterus. The last time she'd felt hopeful of the baby sticking was with Joseph. She gotten further that time, the furthest in to a pregnancy she'd ever managed and she'd dared to hope, to dream of the little person who'd arrive in to this world kicking and screaming. She'd tried to pretend it wasn't real that time, denying her pregnancy to him constantly because she'd feared having to tell him that she'd lost their child; that she'd failed in her purpose as a woman. But he'd seen through her lies and he'd not let up with her. It hadn't helped that her body had betrayed her, causing her to engage in behaviour which brought suspicion from her colleagues. She'd tried to lie further saying she was detoxing but they didn't take much heed of her words. But the baby didn't leave her as early as the others, and she'd dared to begin hoping, thinking that despite its start in life this little one was destined to stay. But good things didn't happen to Jac, or at least the universe limited the good that could happen at any one time and this baby like the others had slipped away from her. And she'd allowed those around her to believe she'd feigned pregnancy to trick Joseph. It was a cruel irony.

"If we know, we can take precautions though" Jonny spoke softly, his gaze wandering to look at her abdomen before he looked back up in to her face. He could just about see the sheen on tears in her eyes, waiting to be shed.

"It won't make any difference" She shook her head mournfully. That was the first thing she'd tried, trying to take things that little bit easier but it had never worked for her. She'd tried every trick in the book, heck she'd probably even tried every trick mentioned on Google even those that went against the clinical part of her mind. To an extent, she'd forced herself to accept that she'd never be a mother though very occasionally she still dreamed of it. Particularly in the moments when a baby was placed in her arms, a little one who'd melt against her and cause that maternal part of her to ache with a need she tried to pretend didn't exist.

"I'll take care of you" he whispered, unsure where that had come from. The potential of a baby, of fatherhood still scared him beyond belief but there was a part of him that wanted to be able to take care of her. He loved Jac more than she knew, and he wanted that bond and connection with her that other couples seemed to have.

"I" She paused, confused by his words. This was a man panicked at the idea of her being late but offering to look after her. The thought of it was strange. She'd never had that before, someone who'd look after her. She'd always been just Jac. "You'll only end up hurting" she added finally.

"You don't know that" he answered. There was a kindness in his eyes and it was that, that made this all the harder. She didn't want to hurt him, to push him away but she didn't want him to be hurt. She didn't want him to have to share in the pain. She'd rather he stayed his sweet self.

"I do" her words were sad and desperate. She was pleading with him, pleading with him to stop because his words cause a bit of hope to blossom with her.

"Just give me a chance Jac" he whispered "even if this isn't to be, give me a chance for there to be an us" his own words were slightly pleading. She heard the words but they didn't seem to make sense to her. He still seemed to want her.

"Jonny, earlier on you wanted to 'deal' with this" she motioned towards the test, feeling the tug at her heart at the idea of a baby being snatched from her by her own hand, "and now you want there to be an us?" the world which had seemed to slow, now seemed to be whipping passed her a lightning speed, and she struggled to keep a grip on what was going on.

"I was panicked, this wasn't exactly expected news Jac" He responded, feeling suddenly guilty for his earlier words. But he tried to reason he hadn't known, He ran a hand through his hair, "I'm sorry" he added and she gave him a small half smile.

"You don't have to stay" she whispered, giving him the freedom to leave. She knew she could push him away, force him to go but so much of her wanted to keep hold of him, to have him love and want her that she couldn't bring herself to do it. If she had been stronger perhaps she'd have managed. So instead she gave him permission to leave, to find a woman undamaged who could reciprocate his love.

"I want to stay" he whispered, squeezing her hand in his arm. And she smiled, wondering just how long he'd stick around.


	6. You Might Bend

**Thank you to anyone reading and for any reviews. I hope this is ok :)**

"So what's it going to be?" Mo sidled up to Jonny in the break room, a cheeky smile on her face. It had been two days since she'd been able to talk to her friend properly and she'd rather missed him. She'd been watching him though, the slightly cautious way he and Jac were going about their business; not quite showing off the fact they were in a relationship but not quite hiding it either. It was a strange dynamic but there was something in it that seemed to work for them – or at least it appeared to be working for now, and Mo had to admit Jonny did look happy.

"I don't understand?" Jonny said turning to her. Mo laughed a little before the pair of them settled themselves in to their seats.

"What are you going to be - you gonna be a daddy or a father, a papa or even poppa or pater?" Mo grinned back at him. She felt the need to know in advance; as it gave her the potential to tease him over the coming months; given that he appeared to be over the worst of his shock. Jonny shook his head sadly.

"She isn't" He answered, though they still didn't know for sure. He was just going to have to trust her, although it pained him a little. He was coming to accept her reasons though and he was thankful that she had trusted him enough to open up to him.

"Really?!" Mo raised her eyebrows, surprised. She realised she probably should have hidden her reaction a little better based on the bemused expression on Jonny's face.

"Really" he responded. "Why are you so surprised anyway?" he added unable to help himself. It seemed a little off to him that Mo would react in such a way.

"You don't know?" Mo asked him, her lips twisting downwards in to frown. She'd presumed that Jonny would know, because even if Jac didn't mention it to him; the Holby grapevine was legendary. Jonny looked at her, feeling even more confused.

"Know what Mo?" He was feeling hot and slightly panicked again, worried for whatever was going to come out of Mo's mouth. Her frown deepened, at the sight of him; she realised that perhaps he wasn't as ok as he was making out although she was surprised that he'd managed to fool her.

"By all accounts she bolted from theatre" Mo answered finally, "and I've seen her dash of in the direction of the ladies more than once today" she added. Jonny frowned, she hadn't mentioned to him that she was feeling off colour; in fact she'd been pretty much avoiding talking about the situation entirely. He sighed perhaps she wasn't quite as close to trusting him as he thought.

"It's probably just food poisoning" he reasoned softly, though they'd eaten near enough the same meal the night before. Still he thought it wouldn't hurt to put the idea in Mo's head, she'd be able to hopefully stem the flow of gossip around the hospital. Mo twisted her lips, she wasn't sure why but she didn't feel like she could trust Jonny in that moment; something she had rarely, if ever, felt before in their friendship.

"Maybe" she said softly. She couldn't help but wonder if Jac was playing her friend. She desperately didn't want him to get hurt, though she feared that could happen. Jonny gave her a small smile. He could see in Mo's face that she didn't quite believe him.

"I suppose I'd best go check on her" he whispered and Mo nodded.

* * *

Jonny slipped quietly in to Jac's office and he felt a tug at his heart as he caught sight of her. She was huddled up in her chair; her face pale, her eyes closed and her arms wrapped around her body. Sensing the presence of another person, she opened her eyes and looked up to see him standing in front of her.

"I guess you've heard" She said, her voice sounding small and quiet. She knew what the result of this day would be. The hospital would come alive with gossip about her, which would lead to suspicious eyes following her every movement waiting for further signs to confirm what they thought they knew and that would lead to the increase in the flow of gossip. It was a vicious circle.

"How come you didn't tell me?" he responded, trying not to sound hurt. She sighed a little and straightened herself up in her chair; though she really didn't feel like it. She gave him a small smile.

"I didn't want to worry you" She answered, and he thought he detected a note of honesty in her words. He returned her smile.

"I'm meant to worry about you" he replied, wondering for a second if she'd ever truly had someone who actually cared enough about her too worry. She was so annoyingly independent, that the idea of troubling someone else probably barely even entered her radar.

"It's just a bit of food poisoning" she told him, trying to sound convincing. She had been trying to convince herself of it all morning; though there was still that little voice in the back of her mind whispering at her to take the test.

"Food poisoning" he repeated, nodding his head a little almost as if to validate what she was saying. Something in him told him that she needed that; even if it was a lie. "I bought you something" he added, and she raised her eyebrows a little, somewhat curious.

"go on then" She told him. From his uniform pocket he pulled out a box of what looked like some sort of biscuit or cracker. He placed them on the desk in front of her and she shook her head. "I can't eat anything Jonny" she told him.

"Give them ago" he told her with a small smile "You should try to eat something and these are good, I promise" she nodded a little and made some sort of murmured promise that she'd try them. He grinned at her.

"Well I suppose I'd better get back to work" he told her gently before her left the room. Curiously Jac pulled the box closer and looked at the picture. She decided that the worst that could happen was she brought them up as well, and if not it probably would do her good to eat something.


	7. Til You Break

**I really hope this alright. Thank you for any reviews and to anyone reading. **

Jac closed her eyes and tried to force herself to relax a little. She'd managed to eat a handful of the crackers that Jonny had given her, and as much as she hated to admit it, he'd been right and so far they hadn't left her gagging. She presumed it was probably some hangover cure he'd discovered in the wildness of his youth, something which brought a small smile to her face.

Her attempt at relaxation however was short lived by the sound of the office door being flung open and then pushed rather firmly closed. Jac pushed herself upright in her chair, and found herself looking in to Mo's face.

"You better not be playing him" Mo's voice was harsh, and her expression difficult to read. Jac frowned a little, unsure of what was happening. She'd never quite seen Mo this way before, and it was a little unnerving.

"I don't" Jac started to talk, with one hand she pulled down her top which she realised had ridden up a little when she'd been pressed back against her chair. Mo's eyes followed the movement, studying it before she looked back at the consultant's face.

"You'd better not be playing Jonny" Mo cut off her, placing a hand down on to Jac's desk. She may have been the lower grade doctor, but Jac could tell that Mo was trying to get the upper hand on her. But Jac wasn't one to allow that, even when she did feel this way. She pushed herself up straighter in the chair, trying to ignore the slight woozy feeling in her head.

"I am not 'playing' Jonny" she responded, trying to maintain eye contact with Mo. Mo rolled her eyes a little, and Jac couldn't almost hear the shallow laugh that was rolling silently around the other woman's throat.

"You have form for it" Mo stated, watching the look of confusion pass over Jac's face. For a moment, Mo felt a little for her but then she thought of Jonny. She couldn't help but feel that he was being taken for a mug, and hearing the chatter of conversation in the canteen had almost confirmed it to her.

"For what? You're make absolutely no sense" Jac answered, "which is about normal" she added in a slightly lower, but still very much audible, voice. Mo rolled her eyes again and placed the other hand on the desk. Jac grimaced a little and reached for her bottle of water, taking a long swig from it.

"Good work; keeping up the act" Mo commented with a small smile, her eyes remained focused on Jac. She was almost sure that if anything else happened in that office, she wouldn't notice it.

"What act?" Jac asked, feeling rather tired of this game. She couldn't understand why Mo was going around the houses. It made little sense to Jac, who just wanted quiet and a little peace.

"The whole pretending to be pregnant thing" Mo answered finally, "stringing Jonny along like you did before" she added. She hadn't meant to listen in to the nurses conversation for as long as she had, but when she had realised what they were discussing she hadn't been able to help herself.

"I'm not pregnant" Jac responded quietly, "and Jonny knows that" But Mo didn't seem to be in the mood for giving up without a fight and Jac watched as her lips twisted in to a strange smile.

"Denying it. Didn't you do that last time too? Put on an act but everytime you were asked, you denied" Mo stated. She'd been expecting Jac's reaction. She'd run this through in her head, and that was exactly what she'd thought would happen. A part of her felt a little guilty, that her actions could damage her friendship with Jonny but she wanted to protect him from the hurt; and if she did that hopefully one day he'd come to forgive her.

"I" Jac started to speak, but her mind was at a whirl. It had taken her a moment to process what Mo was saying; that people still remembered what had happened with Joseph – or at the very least what they thought had happened. The fact they were talking about it now hurt her, more than she cared to admit. She reached again for her drink, hoping that a few second pause would help her regain control. Mo for a second moved her gaze from Jac's face, her eyes falling on the box of crackers on the desk. She laughed a little.

"Did Jonny give you them?" She asked, already knowing the answer. There was a cold feeling running through her spine, a fear for her friend. Jac placed the bottle back on her desk, and she followed Mo's gaze to look at the box before they returned to face each other.

"Yes?" Jac answered, though her voice rose a little making it almost a question. She was feeling tired, her strength slowing slipping away. She didn't want to let Mo gain the upper hand, but she didn't have the fight in her to try to keep a grasp on it.

"And did he tell you how he knew to get them?" Mo questioned. She was met with a blank look from Jac, who Mo suddenly realised did look rather drained. Still she tried to push that aside, it was a look which probably could have been achieved with make-up although it was a lot of effort to go too. "He used to get them for me, when I had morning sickness, only thing that would cure it"

"I'm not" Jac whispered, her face having paled further. She felt tears spring in to her eyes, though she willed them not to fall. She didn't want to do this, but she couldn't see that she had a choice.


	8. Cause It's All You Can Take

**Thank you to anyone reading and reviewing :) And I hope this is ok :) **

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"What's your game Jac?" Mo asked, confused by the sudden onset of emotion that Jac seemed to be experiencing. She'd come in all guns blazing, but now she was finding herself softening a little towards the consultant; though she tried to fight against it. Sensing this could take a while; Mo pulled up a chair and sat down opposite Jac. "You planning on faking a pregnancy and trapping Jonny that way – or you're actually pregnant and going to get rid of it – probably faking a miscarriage so he'll stay with you?"

"No" the word slipped from Jac's mouth before she could stop it. She just wanted all of this to stop. For the world, or at the very least Mo, to leave her be. Mo settled herself so that she was more comfy, raising one eyebrow.

"No what Jac?" Mo dared to use the consultant's name, and she watched as surprise registered on Jac's face. Jac ran a hand through her hair, trying to work out some way of getting herself out of this conversation without having to open up to Mo. Though she knew that regardless of what she said Mo would end up going back to Jonny – and this whole situation would end up getting messier.

"I'm not trying to trap Jonny" she whispered "As hard as it is to believe, he's with me willingly" she smiled a little bit at the thought. Despite everything, he was still willing to give her a chance. He could have had any woman he wanted, and certainly one a lot easier to cope with than her and yet for some reason, he wanted her.

"Then what's going on?" Mo asked. She could accept that there was something more to Jac Naylor, something that evidently attracted her friend enough to make him love the woman. But she couldn't quite comprehend what was going on. For all intents and purposes, Jac was acting like a pregnant woman and yet was denying it – which she had done before.

"It's complicated" Jac answered. It was an honest response and Jac hoped that it would be enough to placate Mo, or at least for the time being.

"and? I've got time for complicated Jac" Mo responded. It wasn't totally true, there were jobs she could be doing but for the most part Jonny had them in hand and there were no impending emergencies or crises so she did have some time. Besides it was worth it, if it meant protecting Jonny. Jac sighed a little.

"I don't know" Jac whispered finally and Mo couldn't help but feel confused. Jac's statement didn't make much sense to her and yet it seemed to have taken a lot for her to say it.

"Know what?" Mo questioned, watching as Jac swallowed hard. The way she was biting down on her lip and trying to hang on to her sense of control. For someone like Jac, not feeling in control was obviously not a feeling she coped well with.

"If I'm pregnant" Jac spoke quietly, and a tear slipped down her cheek although she wiped it quickly away. Mo felt as if her breath had been stolen from her for a moment.

"I don't think I understand" Mo stated, gently and Jac shook her head a little.

"I don't want to know" Jac said the words so quietly that Mo had to strain to hear them, and even then she wasn't sure she heard correctly "and because he, for some reason, seems to love me, Jonny is supporting me" Mo shook her own head at that, feeling at a loss because the situation made so little sense to her.

"But why wouldn't you want to know?" Mo asked "surely waiting to see if a baby pops out after nine months is a little extreme" she added trying to add a little bit of humour but feeling instantly that it had sunk harder than a lead balloon. A few more tears slipped down Jac's cheek and this time, she didn't wipe them away quite as quickly. She shook her head sadly, lowering it slightly in an attempt to hide the tears that wouldn't stop.

"That won't happen" she whispered, "I've never even reached my second trimester" Mo felt her heart lurch a little in her chest. The hitch in Jac's words had gotten to her, the fear and sadness. The fire that had been in her, left her body and a sense of guilt consumed her.

"Oh Jac, I'm" Mo started to talk but Jac's head snapped up. Her eyes red.

"Sorry? What for – it's not your fault that my uterus isn't able to fulfil it's purpose" Jac's words were bitter and they tore at Mo all the more.

"I know but" Mo tried to respond, but Jac sighed

"but nothing Mo" Jac closed her eyes "I just need some time alone so can you please leave?"

"But" Jac heard the sound of a chair scraping and Mo getting up and walking to the door.

"Don't think this makes us friends or anything" Jac said quietly, at the sound of Mo opening the door. A part of her knew the relationship between them had changed, but she didn't want to admit it.


End file.
